Saturday, January 21, 2012

Your Driving and Your Car Doors Open... I'm What?!

I'm sure that many of you may not ever face this insanity that I have gone through for a long time. But, for those who can relate, today was a breakthrough day! The repeating frustration after not understanding a long-term painful situation has finally received some healing and soothing ointment (on a horrible burn) due to a sincere prayer and a kind Father in Heaven who answered it. 

Over the past 20 years, there have been thousands of conflicts dealing with issues that make no sense to me. I realized today how impatient I can be with people who defend stupid. Why lie about something after the truth has been shown? Why would a child argue about staying away from strangers? Why would a spouse argue about something obviously good for a child? Today I realized one really good metaphor why....

In my experience it is an all too familiar (Ground Hog Day) situation that is baffling and so frustrating in my life that up until today there have not been words to describe it! And then today an answer came to my (and maybe others) prayers. 

Hypothetical situation, a dad sees a child up past a bedtime and says "Go to bed." This is like the child is driving a car and the dad says, "your car door is open, stop the car and let's do what's intelligent and close the door (go to bed)". 

But instead of pulling over and closing the door (going to bed), the child (or spouse, or friend) becomes short or defensive because what he might be hearing/thinking instead is, "You are saying that I am a terrible driver." (I'm little and have to go to bed like a small child) Which is NOT the message being delivered at all. 

And while the child gets/acts frustrated, the additionally frustrating part for the dad is that he hears the argument as, "the car door is not open." (I'm pushing against you and not going to bed) So dad goes further into explaining and maybe creating an argument that the open door needs to be shut (it's bed time). While the child goes deeper into, "I am not a terrible driver! (I'm not a baby) The dad hears over and over again my door isn't open! (I'm not going to) Then the child escalates into, "I'm not a terrible driver, you are a terrible driver." (You are the meanest dad, I hate you) Wow, talk about a loop that doesn't stop and just gets worse the longer it goes on...!!!

Sometimes we hear what we think about ourselves, not what is actually being said.

Why? Most of us defend ourselves somehow and in some way. No one is immune from self-doubts or insecurities.

This metaphor for me makes clear years and hours and hours of misunderstanding. I doubt it has anything to do with mars or venus or neptune or anything else that I haven't read. This is front room, on the couch, freedom setting truth.

A lesser example is when a person reaches and opens the door for a stranger and that person grabs the door with their hand instead of just walking in. The door holder thinks, "I will do something kind/respectful", The stranger may think, "I can do it by myself thank you", the door holder thinks, "this stranger is disrespecting the kind gift I'm offering!"
Maybe you are getting a car door response if it sounds something like:
  • my food's not good enough
  • you think that person is better than me
  • I'm fat
  • I'm ugly
  • you can do it better than me
  • you think you're better than me
  • you're not perfect
  • it's never enough no matter what I do
  • always, every, never, all, every time...
As a man, I ask myself when do I do this and what is the solution? How do I avoid these insane no-win situations?

There are probably many solutions. One that comes to mind is to preface some of future car door moments with, "I'm not attacking you, it's about the [car door]." or "I'm only talking about the [car door], not you personally." 

While that seems petty and ridiculous, if it preserves someone's feelings who is insecure or sensitive or has difficulty hearing the message being sent, then why not stop and clarify the message being received?

My answer to why I may not stop and clarify? Because of my pride or I might forget to clarify first. So, in the world of seeking to improve, Here's to letting go and letting God create a wind strong enough to lift me back up to safe ground. I'm probably gonna need it.

i2i2blog@gmail.com

2 comments:

  1. Love the analogy. I find myself in that situation so this post will be helpful to me :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'll have to keep this in mind. May I share this analogy?

    ReplyDelete