Your Driving and Your Car Doors Open... I'm What?!

I'm sure that many of you may not ever face this insanity that I have gone through for a long time. But, for those who can relate, today was a breakthrough day! The repeating frustration after not understanding a long-term painful situation has finally received some healing and soothing ointment (on a horrible burn) due to a sincere prayer and a kind Father in Heaven who answered it. 

Over the past 20 years, there have been thousands of conflicts dealing with issues that make no sense to me. I realized today how impatient I can be with people who defend stupid. Why lie about something after the truth has been shown? Why would a child argue about staying away from strangers? Why would a spouse argue about something obviously good for a child? Today I realized one really good metaphor why....

In my experience it is an all too familiar (Ground Hog Day) situation that is baffling and so frustrating in my life that up until today there have not been words to describe it! And then today an answer came to my (and maybe others) prayers. 

Hypothetical situation, a dad sees a child up past a bedtime and says "Go to bed." This is like the child is driving a car and the dad says, "your car door is open, stop the car and let's do what's intelligent and close the door (go to bed)". 

But instead of pulling over and closing the door (going to bed), the child (or spouse, or friend) becomes short or defensive because what he might be hearing/thinking instead is, "You are saying that I am a terrible driver." (I'm little and have to go to bed like a small child) Which is NOT the message being delivered at all. 

And while the child gets/acts frustrated, the additionally frustrating part for the dad is that he hears the argument as, "the car door is not open." (I'm pushing against you and not going to bed) So dad goes further into explaining and maybe creating an argument that the open door needs to be shut (it's bed time). While the child goes deeper into, "I am not a terrible driver! (I'm not a baby) The dad hears over and over again my door isn't open! (I'm not going to) Then the child escalates into, "I'm not a terrible driver, you are a terrible driver." (You are the meanest dad, I hate you) Wow, talk about a loop that doesn't stop and just gets worse the longer it goes on...!!!

Sometimes we hear what we think about ourselves, not what is actually being said.

Why? Most of us defend ourselves somehow and in some way. No one is immune from self-doubts or insecurities.

This metaphor for me makes clear years and hours and hours of misunderstanding. I doubt it has anything to do with mars or venus or neptune or anything else that I haven't read. This is front room, on the couch, freedom setting truth.

A lesser example is when a person reaches and opens the door for a stranger and that person grabs the door with their hand instead of just walking in. The door holder thinks, "I will do something kind/respectful", The stranger may think, "I can do it by myself thank you", the door holder thinks, "this stranger is disrespecting the kind gift I'm offering!"

Maybe you are getting a car door response if it sounds something like:

• my food's not good enough
• you think that person is better than me
• I'm fat
• I'm ugly
• you can do it better than me
• you think you're better than me
• you're not perfect
• it's never enough no matter what I do
• always, every, never, all, every time...

As a man, I ask myself when do I do this and what is the solution? How do I avoid these insane no-win situations?

There are probably many solutions. One that comes to mind is to preface some of future car door moments with, "I'm not attacking you, it's about the [car door]." or "I'm only talking about the [car door], not you personally." 

While that seems petty and ridiculous, if it preserves someone's feelings who is insecure or sensitive or has difficulty hearing the message being sent, then why not stop and clarify the message being received?

My answer to why I may not stop and clarify? Because of my pride or I might forget to clarify first. So, in the world of seeking to improve, Here's to letting go and letting God create a wind strong enough to lift me back up to safe ground. I'm probably gonna need it.

i2i2blog@gmail.com

Being an Anvil

"I believe it was George MacDonald who observed that in the process of life, we are not always the already-tempered and helpful hammer which is shaping and pounding another. Sometimes we are merely the anvil."                                       - Neal A. Maxwell, Patience

I always enjoy the happiness and peace that comes from hammer type of activities like, teaching, sharing an insight or reaching out and giving help in some way - especially when it is well received... in fact being the hammer is usually fun. Like all things, being a good hammer has it's trials and moments like choosing and delivering consequences to my kids or dealing with issues at work. But if I hammer well (and work with my mentors/heroes), the result is we both become better.

On the other hand, I am realizing that I've never consistently been a good anvil. It's more common to move out of the way when another hammer (life, experience, God, another's agency) is about to swing and shape a friend, stranger or loved one's life. Instead of bracing myself and patiently enduring someone else's hammer blows, I instinctively want to move. Even with a high pain tolerance, there are times I'd simply rather avoid it. In hindsight, it's selfish and not an act of love to move. Unfortunately there are plenty of those moments.

With some people, like my friend with a severely handicapped daughter, or someone with a spouse or child with an addiction, significant pride, a lack of education, limited work ethic, or maybe one person doesn't care and the other cares a lot about something in a relationship then the blatant opportunity to be an anvil becomes an integral part of every day, or an angry frustrated and unhappy person.

Being a good anvil is not indifference. It's not medicating, eating, sleeping or finding a short cut out or way to escape. It's courageous and bold and teaches a deep and respectful love and empathy towards others. It's letting someone else's agency seemingly trump ours (put our will aside) and watching God triumph in that person's life instead of us... maybe because we got out of the way. Some say, let go and let God.

A man was in the mountains admiring the beauty of the world below him from the edge of a long cliff. A massive deer startled him and as he turned, a big wind blew and he slipped over the edge. A large root had grown out of the cliff wall that he grabbed as he fell. After calling for help several times, he heard his name.  "God is that you?" "Yes." "Help me", he said. God answered, "Do you believe I created all of the beautiful things you saw?" "Yes", said the man. "Do you believe I created the wind and deer?, asked God. "Yes", said the man. "Do you believe that I could create a wind strong enough to push you back up to the top of the cliff?" "Yes", said the man.  "Then let go." said God.

It's that hope and innate knowledge and instincts that spurs us on through our life's experiences that will teach us to be better anvils. It's possible that only by choosing to apply whatever degree of faith that we have and taking the blow, that we can find hope to be our best. 

One might say that a good anvil is often the quiet strength, the inner confidence and intentional faith that things will work out when getting angry or screaming in frustration or pain, or withdrawing appears to be so much easier, at least for the moment. It's speaking calmly or not at all when poor behavior is actually considered an option.

Frequently on any continent anyone in extreme pain looks heavenward and pleads with an unseen, but not unfelt divine and all powerful presence. God goes by many names in many places, but the people who speak in respect all carry common traits even though they live so differently, the first being He can help if we but ask. 

May we learn to be better anvils. To allow that person to cut in on the freeway, to empathize first before solving the problem, to look before leaping in and to be the very best we all can be by helping others be their best, so that when a bigger hammer comes to shape another's life, we will be prepared and unafraid to stand still and witness the miracle of seeing another's life improve, find peace, strength or comfort right before our eyes because we were prepared, because we were present and there.

i2i2blog@gmail.com